He put a gun to my face, pulled my pants down and said if I made a noise he would shoot me. He proceeded to slam me around the alley and relentlessly fuck me while he got his sexual gratification. When he was done he left me there crying, battered and bleeding. I felt disgusting and worthless. It took me a half hour to pull myself together enough to make it home. I was 14 yrs old and I promised myself that I would never trust another man.
Fresh in my head, on top of the fact that I had no father figure, my trust for men had completely dissipated. I began to use any and everyone to achieve what I believed to be happiness. I let no one in my circle and I lied to everyone about everything. Those who were determined stayed close and refused to give up one me. I began to open up, but my personal life was a different story. I slept around and had no ties to anyone. I lied about love, I cheated continuously and I used the men in my life the way I had been abused. I didn't care about emotions or feelings, all I cared about was how the next person could be used. That man helped to destroy friendships and burn bridges that could have made me a better man.
For the longest time I keep my hurtful experience to myself out of fear. Scared that people would mock me for my weakness. I felt so weak and out of control that I became extremely aggressive and violent. Lashing out and exploding trying to appear to be something I wasn't. I created a persona for people to see so no one would know the true me. It took me a very long time to let anyone near of me. Very few people could see past the facade, but those who did stayed in my life. Most others tolerated it for as long as they could and left.
It's been about 7 years since I was raped. The sad thing is that it took this long for my shell to break. It hurts knowing that there were people who were trying to be there, but who never fully understood what my issue was. After much needed healing I can finally look back and say I am a better man. It took me a long time, but I have finally released that hurt.
I wrote this blog because it was important to me. People need to know what a situation like that does to a person. This is a serious matter, and even though I can laugh about it now, it's life altering. A friend recently said " Rape is nothing but Surprise Sex!" We laughed about it, but being completely honest that's exactly what what it is. Not every surprise is a good one. I was surprised when he put the gun in my face, I was surprised when he ripped my pants down, and I was surprised when he abused me in ways I never knew imaginable. So if you know anybody dealing with a situation like this the best thing you can do is give undying love, support and comfort.
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